Finally had the courage to say it out loud.

How time flies.

It has been three years since I step foot into Japan and that memory is still vividly etched into my head. This time three years ago, I was grieving the loss of my dad. This time three years ago, I was free from all that pain and abuse. This time three years ago, I decided to travel alone because I needed to get out of reality.

The 17 year old me then had no clue on what to do in life, all my life someone is telling me that I will never make it in life... All my life I get home to punches and vulgarities... All my life the man I still want to believe in, hated me. And all of a sudden, everything vanished.For once in my life, I felt that I had control of the things happening around me. I felt more alive than I ever was. No more pain, no more fears.

I never thought that I could live to see this day come, but I finally had a say in my life, I finally felt like I could breathe again. This feeling is so confusing, Its almost like happiness buried in sadness. It's...inhumane.

The sudden decision to just pack up and leave was a crazy one, but to me, it was one of the things I had always wanted to do all my life, traveling alone. Thus, I told no one about the trip, not even my family members.

I choose to go Japan not because of the culture, actually, it's not because of anything. I am never fond of Japanese culture or language, was never a fan of their anime or manga. I hated the Japanese culture because I felt that it was overrated (at that time). I just didnt know why my mind insisted on Japan. It is not until later that I finally found the reason... It is the last holiday destination I spent with the family...including him.

I'm unsure, why am I struggling between celebrating and mourning? Why am I enjoying myself while feeling empty at the same time? How can a human feel sadness in so much happiness? Why do I want to go to a place with memories of him when all I want to do is forget about him.

I would very much want to say that I have no idea why, but after all these years after his death, I have came to accept that reality that deep down inside, I know that I love him regardless. Maybe that's what they meant by father daughter bond. 

And at the moment, I realized, I am only human.